Home Again

I have completed the circle of my Washington Journey.  I am back in my living room in Minnesota during the summer - I feel like I have come back to the place I started.  Since I returned to Minnesota, I have been saying, "I can't even begin to say what I have learned or how I have changed over the past year."  I still feel that way, that the person I am now is extraordinarily different than the person who left this house last summer.  But I am starting to feel a pull to define those changes.  Who am I now?

I am going to spend the summer trying to answer that question.  I will be reading books related to my experience (especially those written about the history of the St. Ben's sisters) and writing reflections in order to really "unpack" my Washington journey.  During our re-entry retreat, Ashley, Daisy, and I wondered what it would be like to go home after living in a monastery for nine months.  We were all excited to see our families, but we also had a sense of apprehension - how could we preserve what we've learned over the past year?  I am hoping that by writing and really processing my feelings and thoughts about coming home - and about leaving Washington - I will be able to more fully become the person I am now.  It's hard to explain, because of course I am the person I am now.  But I want to embrace and explore how different I am now than I was a year ago.

I spent last summer in denial.  I denied all my feelings, all my worries and preoccupations, all the things that made me sad or upset, anything that didn't fit into a neat box of how I thought I "should" be.  I closed up my heart, thinking that would protect me from being hurt.  This past year has been a slow and gentle but very complete opening of my heart - to God, to the people I love, and to my own self.  As I learned how to open my heart, I realized how much I hurt myself when I locked my feelings away - I didn't let anyone in, but I also didn't let my own, real, true self out.  I made myself unhappy because I refused to be who I was at that stage of my life - scared, disappointed, unsure of the future, really unsure of going to volunteer with a monastic community, and out of touch with God.  That's who I was a year ago today.  Now, I am a completely different Megan.  I know what the next step in my life is and I'm excited and confident about going to grad school.  I have had a life-changing year that has brought me much closer to God, to my family, to my boyfriend, to my friends, and to myself.  I have tools and skills to face a world that won't always give me happiness or comfort.  I feel so much more stable within myself - I have a foundation of not only education, but also life experience and faith.

So what I hope to do this summer is deny denial any place in my life.  I want to acknowledge and plumb every depth of feeling, good and bad, that this transitional phase will bring.  By doing this, I think I will be able to keep the lessons I have learned from my St. Placid sisters alive in my heart and in my every day life.

As I reread what I've written so far, I realize it seems like a rather abrupt jump from my last day in Washington.  To summarize, I spent four days with the sisters at St. Ben's and with my fellow volunteers, Daisy and Ashley.  We shared pictures and memories and feelings of transition - leaving the people we love, but returning to other people we love.  Now, I have been at home for a whole week.  I've mostly been unpacking and catching up with my family members and Kevin, and today I've started working on incorporating my Washington Journey into this next stage of my journey of life.  I'm thinking of starting a new blog for the summer, since my Washington journey is technically over.  I'll keep you all updated on that!

I am a creature of habit, so I feel I must end my last post with a lesson, as always.  Today, my dear S. Anamaria travels home to Tanzania - right now, she's probably closing her eyes as she crosses the Atlantic Ocean because it's so scary!  But one thing she taught me in my last few days (and every day) at the Priory was how to leave gracefully.  She certainly had her moments of panic, and she told me last night on the phone, "I have to go now because I have to run around!"  But when she said good-bye to me, she thanked me for being myself.  She thanked me for always being there and being willing to help her.  She didn't say she would miss me - she said she would remember me.  I know S. Anamaria will always live in my heart.  Part of her has become an inseparable part of who I am now.  She demonstrated to me that, when we have to say goodbye, when a part of our life ends, we can be sad - but we can be much more happy that we have been part of something bigger than ourselves, something hard to say goodbye to, because we will always carry it with us.  Although I'm no longer in Washington, my Washington journey will always be a part of me.  And for that, I will be forever grateful.

Thank you all for your support, encouragement, prayers, thoughts, and love.  You have been a part of my journey, too, and I take you with me into whatever God gives me next.  May God bless you and walk with you, where ever the journey of life takes you.  Thank you for walking with me.

Peace and love,
Megan