I have completed the circle of my Washington Journey. I am back in my living room in Minnesota during the summer - I feel like I have come back to the place I started. Since I returned to Minnesota, I have been saying, "I can't even begin to say what I have learned or how I have changed over the past year." I still feel that way, that the person I am now is extraordinarily different than the person who left this house last summer. But I am starting to feel a pull to define those changes. Who am I now?
I am going to spend the summer trying to answer that question. I will be reading books related to my experience (especially those written about the history of the St. Ben's sisters) and writing reflections in order to really "unpack" my Washington journey. During our re-entry retreat, Ashley, Daisy, and I wondered what it would be like to go home after living in a monastery for nine months. We were all excited to see our families, but we also had a sense of apprehension - how could we preserve what we've learned over the past year? I am hoping that by writing and really processing my feelings and thoughts about coming home - and about leaving Washington - I will be able to more fully become the person I am now. It's hard to explain, because of course I am the person I am now. But I want to embrace and explore how different I am now than I was a year ago.
I spent last summer in denial. I denied all my feelings, all my worries and preoccupations, all the things that made me sad or upset, anything that didn't fit into a neat box of how I thought I "should" be. I closed up my heart, thinking that would protect me from being hurt. This past year has been a slow and gentle but very complete opening of my heart - to God, to the people I love, and to my own self. As I learned how to open my heart, I realized how much I hurt myself when I locked my feelings away - I didn't let anyone in, but I also didn't let my own, real, true self out. I made myself unhappy because I refused to be who I was at that stage of my life - scared, disappointed, unsure of the future, really unsure of going to volunteer with a monastic community, and out of touch with God. That's who I was a year ago today. Now, I am a completely different Megan. I know what the next step in my life is and I'm excited and confident about going to grad school. I have had a life-changing year that has brought me much closer to God, to my family, to my boyfriend, to my friends, and to myself. I have tools and skills to face a world that won't always give me happiness or comfort. I feel so much more stable within myself - I have a foundation of not only education, but also life experience and faith.
So what I hope to do this summer is deny denial any place in my life. I want to acknowledge and plumb every depth of feeling, good and bad, that this transitional phase will bring. By doing this, I think I will be able to keep the lessons I have learned from my St. Placid sisters alive in my heart and in my every day life.
As I reread what I've written so far, I realize it seems like a rather abrupt jump from my last day in Washington. To summarize, I spent four days with the sisters at St. Ben's and with my fellow volunteers, Daisy and Ashley. We shared pictures and memories and feelings of transition - leaving the people we love, but returning to other people we love. Now, I have been at home for a whole week. I've mostly been unpacking and catching up with my family members and Kevin, and today I've started working on incorporating my Washington Journey into this next stage of my journey of life. I'm thinking of starting a new blog for the summer, since my Washington journey is technically over. I'll keep you all updated on that!
I am a creature of habit, so I feel I must end my last post with a lesson, as always. Today, my dear S. Anamaria travels home to Tanzania - right now, she's probably closing her eyes as she crosses the Atlantic Ocean because it's so scary! But one thing she taught me in my last few days (and every day) at the Priory was how to leave gracefully. She certainly had her moments of panic, and she told me last night on the phone, "I have to go now because I have to run around!" But when she said good-bye to me, she thanked me for being myself. She thanked me for always being there and being willing to help her. She didn't say she would miss me - she said she would remember me. I know S. Anamaria will always live in my heart. Part of her has become an inseparable part of who I am now. She demonstrated to me that, when we have to say goodbye, when a part of our life ends, we can be sad - but we can be much more happy that we have been part of something bigger than ourselves, something hard to say goodbye to, because we will always carry it with us. Although I'm no longer in Washington, my Washington journey will always be a part of me. And for that, I will be forever grateful.
Thank you all for your support, encouragement, prayers, thoughts, and love. You have been a part of my journey, too, and I take you with me into whatever God gives me next. May God bless you and walk with you, where ever the journey of life takes you. Thank you for walking with me.
Peace and love,
Megan
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Last Day in Washington
I can't believe it: today is my last day in Washington! Tomorrow I get on a plane and return to Minnesota and leave all my dear sisters here - but I know they will live on in my heart. I have so many mixed emotions about today - I am so sad to say goodbye, but so glad to know that this year has truly changed who I am and who I will be in the rest of my life. I don't have much more time to write, but I wanted to post this video I made of the Priory. I'll write more once I'm home!
Peace and love!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Winding Down
My Washington Journey is almost at an end - I have one week left at St. Placid Priory! I haven't written in a while because things have been hectic, but I'd like to fill you in on what's been going on.
Last week, S. Anamaria finished her classes - we had lots of big projects and it was a sprint to the finish line, but everything was completed on time. Then, last Saturday, she graduated from St. Martin's University! I watched with amazement and pride as she received her diploma - she worked SO hard for the chance to walk across that stage. After the ceremony, we had a huge party here at St. Placid's. Everyone who came had had some influence or contribution to S. Anamaria's American journey. It was really moving to see how many people have supported her and continue to care about her and the work she will do when she goes home.
Two sisters from Tanzania who are living in the US came to visit for the graduation festivities, so we had four African princesses grace us with their dancing for the weekend. I loved getting to know S. Agatha and S. Beatrice - it was a window into Anamaria and Redempta's world, and I learned a few more Swahili words. It was so fun to watch them all interact and talk, like they were at home. And they welcomed me into their visits with true Benedictine hospitality!
Since the graduation party, it's been a mix of activities and emotions. We were all exhausted on Monday, and it's been strange having some important things to do - like apply for summer jobs and wrap up my duties here - and having my real "job" be finished. The night Anamaria finished classes, we both went up to our workroom in the evening just out of habit! We laughed at ourselves, but ended up looking at pictures and just enjoying the time together.
I'm feeling very bittersweet about coming home. I am going to miss each and every one of the sisters so much! They have truly become my family here, and I have learned so much by being in their presence. I'm excited to come home and share this experience with all of you who have been reading my blog throughout these nine months! I know it will take a while to transition from monastic life to living at home, and I might die of sun exposure after living under clouds for so long! But, as Anamaria says, when things change, we must adapt. The relationships I've developed over the past nine months are about to undergo a big change, and I have to be ready and open to adapting to my new situation.
My lesson this week is to let God be my strength. In every challenge and in every change, I can depend on myself and my faith - a faith that I have grown and tried to live more every day during this phase of my journey. I can always walk tall knowing that I am a channel of God's love. No matter where the journey of my life takes me, no matter what joy or pain I go through, I know I can rely on God to walk with me if I am open. I don't always want to listen, but when I do, I know God will be there.
Peace and love.
Last week, S. Anamaria finished her classes - we had lots of big projects and it was a sprint to the finish line, but everything was completed on time. Then, last Saturday, she graduated from St. Martin's University! I watched with amazement and pride as she received her diploma - she worked SO hard for the chance to walk across that stage. After the ceremony, we had a huge party here at St. Placid's. Everyone who came had had some influence or contribution to S. Anamaria's American journey. It was really moving to see how many people have supported her and continue to care about her and the work she will do when she goes home.
Two sisters from Tanzania who are living in the US came to visit for the graduation festivities, so we had four African princesses grace us with their dancing for the weekend. I loved getting to know S. Agatha and S. Beatrice - it was a window into Anamaria and Redempta's world, and I learned a few more Swahili words. It was so fun to watch them all interact and talk, like they were at home. And they welcomed me into their visits with true Benedictine hospitality!
Since the graduation party, it's been a mix of activities and emotions. We were all exhausted on Monday, and it's been strange having some important things to do - like apply for summer jobs and wrap up my duties here - and having my real "job" be finished. The night Anamaria finished classes, we both went up to our workroom in the evening just out of habit! We laughed at ourselves, but ended up looking at pictures and just enjoying the time together.
I'm feeling very bittersweet about coming home. I am going to miss each and every one of the sisters so much! They have truly become my family here, and I have learned so much by being in their presence. I'm excited to come home and share this experience with all of you who have been reading my blog throughout these nine months! I know it will take a while to transition from monastic life to living at home, and I might die of sun exposure after living under clouds for so long! But, as Anamaria says, when things change, we must adapt. The relationships I've developed over the past nine months are about to undergo a big change, and I have to be ready and open to adapting to my new situation.
My lesson this week is to let God be my strength. In every challenge and in every change, I can depend on myself and my faith - a faith that I have grown and tried to live more every day during this phase of my journey. I can always walk tall knowing that I am a channel of God's love. No matter where the journey of my life takes me, no matter what joy or pain I go through, I know I can rely on God to walk with me if I am open. I don't always want to listen, but when I do, I know God will be there.
Peace and love.
Lessons from S. Anamaria
This is the article I've written for the St. Placid Priory Newsletter. I wanted to share it with you, my readers!
“When things change, we must adapt.” This is the major lesson I have learned from Sister Anamaria Haule, a Benedictine sister from Tanzania who has lived at St. Placid Priory for the past eight and a half years. I have been a volunteer at St. Placid for the past nine months, and my main work has been to tutor and assist S. Anamaria and her fellow Tanzanian sister, Redempta, in their school work.
I came to St. Placid last September having just graduated from the College of St. Benedict in Minnesota. I felt confident I could give of my academic skills to help the Tanzanian sisters on their journey because I had worked at a Writing Center for three years. I jumped right in to editing and proofreading the sisters' daily work.
After one long evening of writing work, S. Anamaria shared some stories from her childhood with me. She told me what it was like to grow up in poverty in an African village. She vividly described the hardships she had encountered and also the blessings she had received. She opened my eyes to her journey to the United States, her journey through her life, and I felt both astonished and guilty. I had assumed that she, like I, had chosen to be here; I had assumed that I was at St. Placid to teach her something, to help her out because she was lacking.
I discovered, that evening, along with many subsequent evenings and afternoons of reminiscing and sharing, that I had much more to learn from my Sister Anamaria than I could ever hope to teach her. I have corrected her English grammar, inserted endless "the's" into her papers, and passed on objective knowledge that will help her communicate more clearly with the English-speaking world. But the wisdom, the life lessons, the simple but profound philosophy that S. Anamaria lives has taught me how to live in harmony with God.
S. Anamaria has often expressed her disbelief that she is in America, that she has graduated from college, that she has been given the opportunity to learn English and improve her community and her home country of Tanzania. She grew up in a one-room bamboo hut with her stepmother and cousins. She had no money; she ate meat at most twice a year; she had never seen a paved road; she had only finished elementary school before joining the Benedictine community. When her prioress told her she was being sent to America, she was utterly shocked. She thought someone smarter, someone more educated or with more scholastic aptitude should be given the opportunity to go. But when the prioress asked her to go, she accepted. S. Anamaria allowed the hugest change of her life to happen, and she decided to adapt to it as best she could. She came to America speaking very little English, and now she has graduated from an American university with a bachelor's degree. She has flourished and flowered because of her motto: "When things change, we must adapt."
S. Anamaria describes her journey from Tanzania, to America, and now home again, as a Circle of Life. She has traveled a road of learning, change, and adaptation to make it through this season of her life. She has succeeded and grown because, when something changes for S. Anamaria, when I re-explain an assignment that she misunderstood, when she makes cheese and it doesn't turn out, when she plans to go somewhere and it rains, she says very calmly, "Ok."
I have often struggled with allowing God to change me, or to change the plans I have for my life. I know what I want, and I work hard to get it. I get upset with God when things don't go my way, when I have to start over or rearrange things because I don't have control over everything. I don't want things to change. But, as S. Anamaria has told me over and over, things do change: "That is life, Megan." I don't get to choose what happens in my life. I can ask, I can pray, I can do my absolute best, but in the end, God decides. I can either accept the change God puts in my life and adapt to it, or I can resist it and fight against it and be angry with God. But if I am to grow, if I am to allow God to work in my heart, in my life, and through my actions, I have to be like S. Anamaria. I have to let changes help me grow into a beautiful butterfly, like they have for S. Anamaria. Change is not easy; it is not painless or risk-free; it is not passive. In order to change gracefully, we must accept that God wants us to adapt.
Each stage of our lives brings us change. Each circle in our lives brings us closer to God, if we choose to adapt and accept the challenge. And when we adapt to God's changes, we become more fully the people God means us to be. S. Anamaria understands that about God, and her example has taught me to be open. And because S. Anamaria has adapted to her changes, she can now spread her wings and fly.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Easter and the End of the School Year
Happy Easter! It's still Easter week, so I guess I can still say that. What a week it has been, too!
Last Wednesday, S. Mary Jane Berger, one of my volunteer directors, came to visit for the holiday. We had so much fun talking and enjoying the beautiful spring weather together. It was really wonderful to have company for a holiday - I felt like I wasn't the only one new to things, and I had a companion for the down times. We enjoyed holy silence with my St. Placid sisters and it really was my favorite holiday I've celebrated here in Washington. Each day of the Triduum was special and unique, and Easter morning was our big celebration with food and guests and dyed eggs. I was hardly homesick at all!
Mary Jane left on Tuesday morning, and since then it's been a mad rush to the finish line of the school year. S. Anamaria presented her thesis on Tuesday afternoon - she did such a wonderful job and ended with the simple but profound wisdom she brings to everything: "Children learn when they are happy." We spent Tuesday evening and all of Wednesday studying for a final exam, and since then we've been working on her other 3 final projects. S. Redempta also turned in a first full draft of her master's thesis today - about 150 pages. Needless to say, I've been busy! The best part about it has been that the sisters are willing to take breaks because they're working so hard - on Wednesday night, after the final, we had Tanzanian food (ugali, made from kasava root flour and water, and venison with tomatoes, onions, and "hot pepper") and we listened to Swahili and other traditional African music. We even danced a little bit! I've been picking up a little more Swahili lately - I can now say Good night, see you tomorrow, sweetheart, hello, how are you, I love you, banana, thank you, and numbers up to 19. Redempta told one of the sisters, "She speaks a lot of Swahili!" I wouldn't say a lot, but it's been fun to learn.
This weekend starts some lasts, too: It's Stephanie's last day of work tomorrow, and I'm hosting my last party, for my birthday, on Sunday night. We'll have puppy chow, dance, and play Bananagrams - my signature additions to community life. I can't believe how fast the time has gone!
I've now registered for classes at the University of South Dakota for this fall. I'm working on housing and getting really excited to start school again! It will be a totally different pace of life than I have lived this year, but I feel refreshed and ready for it after this time of peace and calmness.
I think I wrote this last week, but every day I'm here, I know this was the place I was meant to spend this year of my life. Each sister and friend of the community has taught me something I will take with me and benefit from for the rest of my life: S. Anamaria's philosophy, S. Redempta's verbal reactions (especially GO-OSH! and her laugh), S. Sharon's wisdom, S. Monika's boundless energy, S. Damaris's endless projects, S. Mary's diligence and enthusiasm, S. Nathalie's gratitude, S. Margaret Ann's connectedness to the outside community, S. Rosemarie's love for the bluejays, S. Dorothy's gentle movements, S. Lucy's determination to learn new things, the Knitters and Spinners' delight in sharing their work, and so many others. I have truly been blessed by living here, and I will be sad to leave in three short weeks. But until then, I will enjoy each day and each person here.
Peace and love!
Last Wednesday, S. Mary Jane Berger, one of my volunteer directors, came to visit for the holiday. We had so much fun talking and enjoying the beautiful spring weather together. It was really wonderful to have company for a holiday - I felt like I wasn't the only one new to things, and I had a companion for the down times. We enjoyed holy silence with my St. Placid sisters and it really was my favorite holiday I've celebrated here in Washington. Each day of the Triduum was special and unique, and Easter morning was our big celebration with food and guests and dyed eggs. I was hardly homesick at all!
Mary Jane left on Tuesday morning, and since then it's been a mad rush to the finish line of the school year. S. Anamaria presented her thesis on Tuesday afternoon - she did such a wonderful job and ended with the simple but profound wisdom she brings to everything: "Children learn when they are happy." We spent Tuesday evening and all of Wednesday studying for a final exam, and since then we've been working on her other 3 final projects. S. Redempta also turned in a first full draft of her master's thesis today - about 150 pages. Needless to say, I've been busy! The best part about it has been that the sisters are willing to take breaks because they're working so hard - on Wednesday night, after the final, we had Tanzanian food (ugali, made from kasava root flour and water, and venison with tomatoes, onions, and "hot pepper") and we listened to Swahili and other traditional African music. We even danced a little bit! I've been picking up a little more Swahili lately - I can now say Good night, see you tomorrow, sweetheart, hello, how are you, I love you, banana, thank you, and numbers up to 19. Redempta told one of the sisters, "She speaks a lot of Swahili!" I wouldn't say a lot, but it's been fun to learn.
This weekend starts some lasts, too: It's Stephanie's last day of work tomorrow, and I'm hosting my last party, for my birthday, on Sunday night. We'll have puppy chow, dance, and play Bananagrams - my signature additions to community life. I can't believe how fast the time has gone!
I've now registered for classes at the University of South Dakota for this fall. I'm working on housing and getting really excited to start school again! It will be a totally different pace of life than I have lived this year, but I feel refreshed and ready for it after this time of peace and calmness.
I think I wrote this last week, but every day I'm here, I know this was the place I was meant to spend this year of my life. Each sister and friend of the community has taught me something I will take with me and benefit from for the rest of my life: S. Anamaria's philosophy, S. Redempta's verbal reactions (especially GO-OSH! and her laugh), S. Sharon's wisdom, S. Monika's boundless energy, S. Damaris's endless projects, S. Mary's diligence and enthusiasm, S. Nathalie's gratitude, S. Margaret Ann's connectedness to the outside community, S. Rosemarie's love for the bluejays, S. Dorothy's gentle movements, S. Lucy's determination to learn new things, the Knitters and Spinners' delight in sharing their work, and so many others. I have truly been blessed by living here, and I will be sad to leave in three short weeks. But until then, I will enjoy each day and each person here.
Peace and love!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Walking on Sunshine
I have wonderful news - I've been accepted to grad school!!! I'll be attending the University of South Dakota next year in the Master's program in English. All of this waiting and hoping and trying to be patient and accepting has finally, finally ended.
I still haven't fully accepted that it's true - I have a future, a place to go, work to do, responsibilities to accomplish. When I told S. Anamaria, she said, "Your Easter has come early!" And S. Sharon even said the forbidden "A" word a few days early! All the sisters have really rejoiced with me about this enormous milestone in my life - they have been asking for weeks and months about what's going to happen to me next, and I feel so blessed to be able to share this success with them.
I have written so much in this blog - about how my life has changed over this past year, about how I have changed in my relationship with God and my relationship with myself, about how being in this place has made me grow into a fuller, more adult, more gentle and open Megan. I only have a few weeks left, and now that I know what's coming next, I feel the separation more acutely - I can focus on being HERE now that I don't have to worry about the future.
I spoke with my fellow volunteers in Puerto Rico today, and we all agreed that it's going to be bittersweet to end our volunteer experience. But we also all agreed that we have a whole month left in which to learn from our sisters, and that is what I hope to do for the rest of my time in Washington.
The title of my blog reflects my feelings since I got my acceptance letter and also the amazing weather we've had the past two days here in Washington. I took a long walk today, and, when I finished, I couldn't figure out what feeling was so intense inside me. I sat down on the warm grass and just soaked in the rays of the sun, and eventually it came to me: the feeling was peace.
I have just one more thing to add, since this will probably be my last Lenten post. Last night, the sisters had a communal reconciliation service. We all went up to the altar, where a bowl of holy water was sitting, and blessed each other in pairs. When it was time for S. Mary, one of the oldest sisters, to bless her partner, she said, "Sister, I love you. I forgive you for all things." It was so simple, but it was so profound and sincere - I felt like she was saying those words to me, like God was speaking through her, right to my soul. I felt so purely forgiven, so unconditionally loved, by her words. And they weren't even spoken to me! I will never forget that moment.
I wish you all a blessed Holy Week and Easter!
Peace and love, peace and love.
I still haven't fully accepted that it's true - I have a future, a place to go, work to do, responsibilities to accomplish. When I told S. Anamaria, she said, "Your Easter has come early!" And S. Sharon even said the forbidden "A" word a few days early! All the sisters have really rejoiced with me about this enormous milestone in my life - they have been asking for weeks and months about what's going to happen to me next, and I feel so blessed to be able to share this success with them.
I have written so much in this blog - about how my life has changed over this past year, about how I have changed in my relationship with God and my relationship with myself, about how being in this place has made me grow into a fuller, more adult, more gentle and open Megan. I only have a few weeks left, and now that I know what's coming next, I feel the separation more acutely - I can focus on being HERE now that I don't have to worry about the future.
I spoke with my fellow volunteers in Puerto Rico today, and we all agreed that it's going to be bittersweet to end our volunteer experience. But we also all agreed that we have a whole month left in which to learn from our sisters, and that is what I hope to do for the rest of my time in Washington.
The title of my blog reflects my feelings since I got my acceptance letter and also the amazing weather we've had the past two days here in Washington. I took a long walk today, and, when I finished, I couldn't figure out what feeling was so intense inside me. I sat down on the warm grass and just soaked in the rays of the sun, and eventually it came to me: the feeling was peace.
I have just one more thing to add, since this will probably be my last Lenten post. Last night, the sisters had a communal reconciliation service. We all went up to the altar, where a bowl of holy water was sitting, and blessed each other in pairs. When it was time for S. Mary, one of the oldest sisters, to bless her partner, she said, "Sister, I love you. I forgive you for all things." It was so simple, but it was so profound and sincere - I felt like she was saying those words to me, like God was speaking through her, right to my soul. I felt so purely forgiven, so unconditionally loved, by her words. And they weren't even spoken to me! I will never forget that moment.
I wish you all a blessed Holy Week and Easter!
Peace and love, peace and love.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Living
It's the middle of April. 5 weeks from today will be my last night at the Priory. I can't believe it - it seems so surreal that my time here could end. I think it's hardest to believe because I have no idea what's coming next in my life, so it seems almost like life can't go on after May 24. I'm still waiting...
But the good thing about waiting this long is I've gotten used to it. I don't expect to know anymore, so I don't worry about it. And this new sense of acceptance has really given me peace this week. I've been able to enjoy the little things, I've been working hard and a lot with S. Anamaria, and I've recovered a little of my sense of purpose by just being ok with where I am. I certainly still have moments of anxiety, but they pass quickly and I'm able to conquer them more easily now.
I talked with S. Ann Marie this week about some of the challenges this year has posed, loneliness and too much peace being the biggest things. She reminded me that in each stage of life, we learn how to deal with new challenges, and we always grow stronger and fuller from experiencing those challenges. I have learned how to find fulfillment in solitary activities like reading and knitting, and I have learned both to be ok with being alone and to have the courage to reach out to people when I need them.
I also have learned how to take opportunities as they come - something my best friends would be pleasantly surprised to hear. I have grown much more flexible in making plans and even carrying out plans, and I have accepted the inevitability - and positivity - of change. If someone invites me to do something five minutes before we have to go, I am thrilled to accept - something I had a really difficult time doing in college. Having a less-demanding schedule has really helped me grow in openness.
The other subject I wanted to write about today is S. Anamaria. She is leaving only a week after I am, and her transition back to Tanzania is going to be so incredibly much bigger than my transition home, four states away. She has been working so hard this whole year, and just yesterday she received the news that she has been selected to present her thesis at Scholar's Day, which is an enormous honor. We have been working all week on creating and polishing her presentation so she will be ready to speak to both her scholastic committee and the public who will attend. People have started RSVPing for her graduation party, and two of her Tanzanian sisters who are studying in the US will be staying with us for a few days surrounding graduation day. It is such a huge, amazing accomplishment for this woman who came from incredibly adverse circumstances, arrived in America speaking almost no English, didn't intend to go to college, began her education by studying accounting, and has now found a true, deep passion for teaching the children of her country in an effective and nurturing way. I think back on my college graduation, not quite a year ago now, and remember how big and important it felt to have earned a bachelor's degree. Now, I try to multiply that feeling by a thousand to understand how Anamaria must feel. I am truly amazed by her work ethic, her perseverance, her strength, and most of all, her courage. I will miss her - and especially how she laughs with complete abandon - so much.
My lesson for today is to keep living each day with intention - to love and appreciate every moment and every opportunity that comes my way. I read Isak Dinesen's Out of Africa in September, and a quote has just come back to me about the way the she described how the Kikuyu people she lived with experienced time. To paraphrase: "When you ask a Kikuyu to wait with your horse while you go in to visit, he is more than happy to accept. And he hopes you will be a very long time, because he does not waste time or kill it. Instead, the Kikuyu sits down and lives." I want to emulate both my sister Anamaria and the Kikuyu people - not dread or plan or worry for the future, but simply live.
Peace and love!
But the good thing about waiting this long is I've gotten used to it. I don't expect to know anymore, so I don't worry about it. And this new sense of acceptance has really given me peace this week. I've been able to enjoy the little things, I've been working hard and a lot with S. Anamaria, and I've recovered a little of my sense of purpose by just being ok with where I am. I certainly still have moments of anxiety, but they pass quickly and I'm able to conquer them more easily now.
I talked with S. Ann Marie this week about some of the challenges this year has posed, loneliness and too much peace being the biggest things. She reminded me that in each stage of life, we learn how to deal with new challenges, and we always grow stronger and fuller from experiencing those challenges. I have learned how to find fulfillment in solitary activities like reading and knitting, and I have learned both to be ok with being alone and to have the courage to reach out to people when I need them.
I also have learned how to take opportunities as they come - something my best friends would be pleasantly surprised to hear. I have grown much more flexible in making plans and even carrying out plans, and I have accepted the inevitability - and positivity - of change. If someone invites me to do something five minutes before we have to go, I am thrilled to accept - something I had a really difficult time doing in college. Having a less-demanding schedule has really helped me grow in openness.
The other subject I wanted to write about today is S. Anamaria. She is leaving only a week after I am, and her transition back to Tanzania is going to be so incredibly much bigger than my transition home, four states away. She has been working so hard this whole year, and just yesterday she received the news that she has been selected to present her thesis at Scholar's Day, which is an enormous honor. We have been working all week on creating and polishing her presentation so she will be ready to speak to both her scholastic committee and the public who will attend. People have started RSVPing for her graduation party, and two of her Tanzanian sisters who are studying in the US will be staying with us for a few days surrounding graduation day. It is such a huge, amazing accomplishment for this woman who came from incredibly adverse circumstances, arrived in America speaking almost no English, didn't intend to go to college, began her education by studying accounting, and has now found a true, deep passion for teaching the children of her country in an effective and nurturing way. I think back on my college graduation, not quite a year ago now, and remember how big and important it felt to have earned a bachelor's degree. Now, I try to multiply that feeling by a thousand to understand how Anamaria must feel. I am truly amazed by her work ethic, her perseverance, her strength, and most of all, her courage. I will miss her - and especially how she laughs with complete abandon - so much.
My lesson for today is to keep living each day with intention - to love and appreciate every moment and every opportunity that comes my way. I read Isak Dinesen's Out of Africa in September, and a quote has just come back to me about the way the she described how the Kikuyu people she lived with experienced time. To paraphrase: "When you ask a Kikuyu to wait with your horse while you go in to visit, he is more than happy to accept. And he hopes you will be a very long time, because he does not waste time or kill it. Instead, the Kikuyu sits down and lives." I want to emulate both my sister Anamaria and the Kikuyu people - not dread or plan or worry for the future, but simply live.
Peace and love!
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