It's been a while since I've written - last week got away from me with preparations for my retreat and lots of school work to keep me busy. My work with the African sisters continues to be fulfilling and rewarding - Anamaria has really learned how to write introductions and conclusions, and she does very well with transitions when she remembers to put them in! Her enthusiasm for and dedication to learning inspires me every day. I have never seen anyone work as hard as she does. Except maybe Redempta, who is still plowing forward with her masters thesis and is passionately trying to revamp the Tanzanian school system so students can succeed on the National Exams, a standardized test that didn't go as well as anticipated this year. They both invest in their school work wholeheartedly, not because they want to get an A, but because they care about what they're learning and how they can use what they learn when they go home. I sometimes feel like I should do my undergrad again with their mindset - I think I would come away with some very different lessons. But maybe I'll get a chance to try again next year...we'll just have to wait and see.
But the most important thing I want to share today is my experience of a retreat through St. Martin's University's Campus Ministry. The retreat, as my post today, was entitled Koinonia, the Greek word for "intimate community." Since I've been part of a monastic community for the past five months, I thought it was a great time to share what I've learned about the Benedictine value of community with students at a Benedictine college. I was one of four non-student leaders with a group of 18 students. We spent the weekend together and worked toward establishing a new community of faith and loving relationships.
The whole experience was amazing, but I'll share just a few highlights with you now, the things that really taught me something. First was our mass. I go to mass almost every day here at the Priory. It's part of the routine, part of the daily rhythm of work and prayer. So I've gotten used to it; I've started just going through the motions and not really being engaged. But when we had mass on the retreat, all 22 of us plus the priest sat around a little table in a little room. We were all kind of squished together, sitting on the floor. For the homily, the priest asked us to share our impressions of the readings. When we said the Our Father, we all stood up and put our arms around each other, like a huge group hug. I felt like the whole room was alive with Jesus's presence and His love. Everyone gave each other huge hugs during the sign of peace, and even the students who weren't Catholic felt very included and welcome. After the mass, we talked about the feeling of sharing a meal with our family - that's what mass felt like. It really inspired me to come back to the Priory and recognize that's what happens for me every day: my whole family of sisters is gathered around God's table to share a meal and share our faith.
On the last evening of the retreat, *I'm not supposed to share this so don't tell anyone who goes to SMU!* we read letters the retreatants' parents and friends had written to them. I got to read to each student in my small group. After they all dispersed to read their letters, I kept thinking about all the people in my life who would have sent me such a letter. The parade of people who walked through my mind just kept going - I thought of my family and friends but also about all the people who have supported me while I've been out here. The tears just kept coming as I realized how very loved and blessed I am to know God's love through so many people in my life. One of the other leaders came up and asked me if I was sad, and I said through my tears, "I'm not sad. I just feel so blessed." I felt like I didn't deserve this parade of loving people because I have not always accepted other people's love. I have pushed away so many people in my life because I'm too scared to let them into my heart. I worry that if I show my true self, they won't love me anymore. But God showed me that wasn't true by reminding me of so many people who love me even though I don't keep in very good contact with them or share myself with them all the time. God showed me both forgiveness and love because I opened myself to my new community and felt the love their family and friends had shown them.
And finally, the last highlight of the retreat for me was my small group. I got to know four students really well, not just what they do or what they like, but who they are and where God is in each of their lives. All four of them were willing to share their joys and struggles with the group, and they enabled me to share myself, too. Since I came to Washington, I have been looking for ways to be connected with more people my age, and this group of students showed me all I have to do is be myself and be open to receiving God's love through other people. We established strong relationships quickly because we had the foundation and the safety of all working on our relationships with God and admitting that none of us are perfect. All of us could be honest, be ourselves, and feel loved. I felt so blessed to have been a part of their group.
Since I've returned from the retreat, Kevin and I have been talking about being open to each other. I am a perfectionist. I like everything to be in order, to be right, to be in its place. I like grammar and checklists and calendars and plans. I like to have control over things. But I am continuing to learn that, while being organized has its perks and its place, relationships with other people and with God are not organized. They are real. They are human. And the only way I can really be in a deep, complete relationship with God, with my family members, with Kevin, and with my friends, is if I admit that I am human too. I make mistakes. I don't always know what to say or do. I don't have all the right answers. But that's ok.
On a retreat I went on during my junior year at St. Ben's, we made mosaics out of tiles. My mosaic was square. It had a border of tiles around the outside, symmetrically balanced but with little spaces in the corners. Inside that border was another square with dark blue corners, all closed except for one space. I made this space by breaking some of the tiles, so there was only a tiny, jagged opening in the square. And then, in the very center of this square, was a blue tile with a flower imprinted on it. This flower was simple. It was pretty. It was a little chipped on the edges. When I shared it with my group, I told them the flower represented my heart, my soul. The squares around the flower represented the walls I have put up around my heart. The walls have cracks, but they are small, hard to find, and not easy to get through. I told them that God could see the whole mosaic, but that other people only saw the outer wall or the inner wall; hardly anyone saw the flower inside.
My lesson today is one I haven't learned yet. When I prayed at Koinonia, I had an image of my heart broken open like an eggshell. I had broken it. And standing in the middle of the broken shells was Jesus, reaching up and out. For me to love with God's love, I need to break down the walls around my heart. I have to stop trying to protect the blue flower inside and start sharing it! I want to show that image of Jesus reaching out to other people through my own actions. I trap myself by my desire to be perfect - I don't let the walls come down for fear that what's inside might not be beautiful yet. But I have to trust myself and trust God and trust that the people who love me will love me no matter what. As Kevin told me last week, I'm not damaged goods. I am who God made me to be. And the only way I can share God with other people is to let Him shine through me, to tear down the walls and let people see who I really am.
Thank you all for your support and love. I am truly blessed to know each one of you.
Peace and love, peace and love.
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