I spent last weekend at my friend Stephanie's apartment. We watched lots of movies, ate tons of puppy chow, and bought a real Christmas tree - something I'd never done before! It was raining, not snowing, but it was a very Washington experience.
Monday was our monthly day of silence. I always love these days because they invite us all to slow down, to live in the now, and to reflect on where God is in our lives. I checked out a book of Mary Oliver's poetry and took a walk in the woods, and I felt a real sense of peace about being here. Every time we have a silent day and I take the time to really listen to what my heart is saying, I find peace. I remember often talking to my college friends about how hard it is to listen when we pray instead of just saying, "Please, God, give me ___" or "Please, God, let ___ happen" or "Please, God, keep ___ safe." I think listening to God is one of the hardest things for me to do - it's scary to let go of my own plans and hopes and dreams and say, "Please, God, show me Your way" or even "Your will be done." I want MY will to be done! But I am learning, slowly but surely, that God's way brings me many more gifts and blessings and peace-filled moments than my way ever could. I am learning this paradox: by letting go of my own limited plans, I enable myself to receive God's plan - something much stronger to hold onto.
And then: Tuesday and Wednesday were the most wonderful days I have had in Washington! On Tuesday, S. Anamaria got her grades back for two of her classes, and she got an A+ in student teaching! She was so excited and I was SO proud of her - we went straight from the university to the grocery store to get brownie mix because brownies are her absolute favorite thing in the world. Here are a few pictures of our celebration:
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| We ate almost the whole pan! |
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| Oh, the excitement!! |
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| The guest of honor |
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| Anamaria, Me, and Redempta |
So that was our celebration on Tuesday, which was so much fun. But the best moments really happened the next day. I had been working hard with Anamaria on a final paper. She told me all her ideas, I wrote them down, and she wrote her paper from my notes. As she was talking, I could tell she was very excited about the ideas in the paper, but I waited to see how they would morph when they appeared in writing. As I read, I found her ideas coming alive - her passion about the subject enabled her to really dig deep into her vocabulary and find the words to express her ideas clearly. When I told her she had done a wonderful job, she said, "Really? I got it?" And I was able to tell her, "Yes! You got it!"
I also worked with Redempta that day. She gave me the first section of her thesis and said her professor had asked her to work on transitions. I felt like I was right back in the Writing Center at St. Ben's, sitting down with a client to wade through the intricacies of American essay organization. This session, however, was very different from my previous work in one way - I knew my client as a whole person. I know what S. Redempta likes to eat, what time she goes to bed, what makes her laugh, what makes her frustrated. We spent a long time working through the process of thesis-details-summarization-transition, still a very foreign concept to my dear African Mama whose traditional stories go in much more rounded and exploratory directions (and are so very thrilling to listen to). I kept repeating the structure, repeating the idea that we need something to CONNECT all these wonderful facts, and she kept asking, "Really? Here, too?" Finally, we reached the end of the paper. I told her she now needed to summarize the whole paper so she could move on to the next part. She looked at me like I was crazy - summarize 15 pages? I told her she could do it, she just had to think about what we'd been doing with her paragraphs. She thought for a moment, and then she looked at me again, this time with dawning comprehension. And then she said, "I get it!! Give me a big hug!!" I happily complied.
Those two moments, watching the ideas Anamaria and Redempta had come to light, watching the pieces fall together inside their minds, gave me the feeling that I am doing what I was meant to do. I feel like I am here for a reason, that my gifts are most useful here and now. I had such a feeling of intellectual fulfillment yesterday afternoon, like I had realized my potential and done the very best I could do with what I have. I poured all my energy and knowledge whole-heartedly into these two wonderful women, and they were able to take what I gave them and make it into something new and useful and enlightening.
And this brings me to my second paradox. I have talked a few times in this blog about how much I think giving and receiving are the same thing. I know that when I give of myself, I always receive something enriching in return - serving this community builds me up from the inside. But I was thinking today as I talked with my spiritual director that it goes the other way - receiving is the same as giving, too. I often find it much scarier to receive than to give - when you give, you have some control over what you're doing and you can measure the outcome and try again if you don't get it right the first time. But when you receive, you have to be open enough to take what God gives you. Receiving from God, listening to God, means you may not have a say in what you get, and that's often hard for me to accept. But as I was thinking about the peace and joy I have opened myself to receive here, I found that by actively receiving, I am allowing myself to give. When I take something in and allow it to change me, I give myself a way to grow (instead of remaining protected but stagnant).
During this Advent season, we've been singing about being vessels of God's love, like Mary. At first, this was a problematic image for me, because a vessel just holds things - water sits in a pitcher, the end. It didn't seem like a very active or important thing to be. But as I thought about it more, I realized the end of the pitcher's function doesn't come with holding water - you pour the water in, and maybe some ice. The pitcher changes, gets cold and has condensation running down its sides. And then, the pitcher pours cool water into someone's glass, enabling them to take it in and let it change them. I think God's love be the water if I let myself be the pitcher - if I let myself receive, change, and give back.
Now, to live this out...maybe that will be my next lesson!
Peace and love to all.
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